I'll Settle for the Loose Change....

A girl’s values (well in this case a black girls values) lie in her appearance (from the tip of her hair to the nail polish color on her toes) and the man that she most likely refers to as “my boo”, “my n*gga”, or what have you. However when a female grows up from a girl to a woman, those values begin to change as their mindset elevates (in most cases anyway). As I’ve gotten older (and mind you I’m only 24) my values have changed dramatically since I was 22yo. The past two years the divine powers that be have seriously been doing some work on me and those changes reveal themselves to me each and everyday.

In the past two years I’ve discovered this new found joy of mine called running. Yes running! I believe that this love for running has always been within me (my mind back tracks to the time, when Ashley West, now a track runner, beat me in a relay race during our 6^th grade field day, after I had more than a lead on her); I’ve only recently learned how to exercise my love for it. Thus said, I run about 5.5miles anywhere from 5-6times a week, it’s literally my daily high. So as expected, running about 50miles per week one inevitable begins to shed some excess weight and bring sexy back; one’s clothes begin to hang and begin to form what I like to call “loose/spare change” in that area, you know the one that Kim Kardashian not only has men drooling over, but also women…yup the derrière. Yes, lately I’ve been having a little trouble in the area of my dress, everything literally just hangs; each and every last one of my work pants has to be safety pinned together, as a result of them literally falling from my waist line, it’s ridiculous I tell you…just pure madness. The simple solution would be to just go out and buy new clothes…right? Wrong! But what’s the point if I’m only expected to lose more weight as I have yet to figure out how to maintain my weight without giving up my daily high. This has been my thought process for some time now, especially after realizing brand new slacks not even two months old now must be clipped together by a safety pin (shaking my damn head).

What About the Children....

Lately there has been this constant factor pulling at my heart, an uncontrollable feeling that is sometimes overwhelming and creeps up on me unexpectedly. Each and every moment that this unexpected feeling arises with a flood of emotions I have to hold back the tears and breathe. Every time that I encounter their innocence not yet touched by the evils of the world my heart melts. That one aforementioned factor being our youth. On an am run to Publix, last Friday to pick up my Naked fruit smoothie, I caught sight of a mother's  three little boys engaged over a deep conversation about their toys as they sat all lined up in their green kiddie cart,  it was the most precious thing, I could not help but smile. That following Saturday, during my usual am run, my heart leaped at the sight of a little boy running side by side with whom I'd assume to be his father. But what got me was when little man could no longer keep up with his daddy, he stopped and put his little hands on his mohawk shaven head as to open his air ways and catch his breath as most runners frequently do.

Not quite sure at these random heart felt events if its my maternal instinct/ biological clock  that is signaling that I am ready to bear children, Ive learned to suppress those feeling for sometime now, acknowledging that I am no where near ready to begin to even think about having children of my own. Realizing that you literally have to give up your life as an individual and sacrifice your being for your seed I can honestly say that I am not yet ready to sacrifice my being for my unborn seed, which some may say is selfish. Life has too much to offer and I have too much to offer life to sacrifice myself solely for the needs of my own seed. 

Despite my biological clock's on-switch for me to start pro-creating and bring forth little mini mes and mini-hes (whoever he may be) I realize that there is also a need to make a difference in the lives of so many children who may have not been blessed with the same privileges that I've been blessed with. Watching an HBO documentary the other night about the lives of homeless children my heart was torn to pieces when one little boy was asked what did he have to look forward to in the future, he simply shrugged his shoulders and replied "I have nothing to look to forward to". At his words, tears welled up in my eyes and I cried as if these were word that fell from the lips of my own yet to be conceived child.

Secret Crush

It wasnt until I realized this morning that I dreamed of you last night that I acknowledged I had a crush on you/ Oblivious for some time to your compliments and the need to touch my kinky hair I realized that besides your intellect and your gift for words that I appreciated your ability to get high off of my natural beauty and quirky way/ but Im old fashioned and don’t believe a woman should approach a man/ so I guess this will remain simply a facebook status update…

He Asked Me If I Wanted to Love Again

To love or not to love, that is the question at hand. While love is a beautiful gift (and God knows that it is), it takes work notheless. WORK! Imagine waking up to the same person for 20yrs. OMG really? Im pretty sure there has to be moments throughout that relationship where its like "Damn this mofo again". Yet there are the other moments where its all peaches and cream literally. I think of my parents; one day you have Romeo and Juliette (with the nickname calling and all, theirs are Me and Chu) and the next you get George and Weezy Jefferson. With them its literally a revolving door you dont know which couple you'll get.

Personally Ive been in love before and am still trying to figure out if I'll ever be out of love (do we ever fall out of love?). A friend asked me the other day, if I ever wanted to be in love again. My reaction: huh? I didnt answer the question immediately, it took me a couple of days actually, but my answer was yes...just not now. Why not now he asked.

Currently on Hiatus....

I hope I come out with a testimony going through this test that I'am currently going through. Thus the songs and quotes posted for the time being are to offer a little bit of encouragement during the storm.

Many Blessings

In Each Tear...

"... there is a lesson to be learned, makes you wiser than before, makes you stronger than before. No mistake, no heartbreak can take away from what you're meant to be"

My Life Anthem "Giving It All I Got 'Til I Die"

Giving it all I got 'til I die/ I'm fighting to keep on living/ Nothing worth having in life is ever easy