While on the phone with my female confidant, unfortunately deeply in my feelings, she expressed to me "Pascale, you need to learn how to be vulnerable when it comes to men; you don't have to always be so protective of your emotions, let them in just a little..." And here I thought that I was finally ready to be in a relationship...Mission aborted!!!
I hate to keep referring to my past relationships, however it is necessary that I do so that I may grow. After two and half relationships--one in which I was fresh meat and really naive, the second in which I lost my self in love, and the half...well it was nothing serious, but two people heavily involved in emotions and I purposely blocked it from going anywhere-- I've learned to not be so vulnerable around men intimately (but not sexually) for fear that they may take advantage of my vulnerability. Thus in my half relationship, the wall was half way built and after he told me that he had an issue with my high pitched (inevitably loud) voice when I became excited (yes I am serious as a heart attack), like mad men preparing for a wicked storm, my wall only grew that much higher in height.
I don't cry in front of men that I become intimately involved with...I distinctly remember being in an unsuitable relationship (although I did not know it at the time) filled with a lot of grief and worry not to mention not feeling appreciated, one where I was complaining to friends more than glowing and one of my male friends said, Pascale, don't ever let a man see you cry. Words are powerful; I will never forget this individual for those words; however those same words may be what is currently crippling me...
Vulnerability??? Ugh, it's really frustrating because I know how I got to this point and developed this tough exterior, however, how do I get back to the middle, Ms. India Arie??? I am the girl without a happy medium...either it is or it isn't, especially when it comes to my feeling/emotions.
