“Reaching for something in the distance/So close you can almost taste it/Release your inhibitions/Feel the rain on your skin/No one else can feel it for you/Only you can let it in/No one else, no one else/Can speak the words on your lips/Drench yourself in words unspoken/Live your life with arms wide open/Today is where your book begins/ The rest is still unwritten”

 

Natasha Bedingfield

 

The world is at your feet and your possibilities are limitless; your life is unscripted, make your story meaningful.

Twenty Something Life Lessons...I Think

Life is never as kind as we all wish or hope that it is, even more love is not as kind as the love songs proclaim it to be. To combat life and love I pray, meditate and run to keep my boat afloat.

My last relationship was my first real love and all that jazz, no seriously it was as nonchalant as I may sound about it. However despite the good and bad, not talking to my ex for give or take 2-3mos, I’ve made many self discoveries about myself that, I probably would not have made should I have remained “friends” with him, as bad as I wanted to. Our (or more so his and I story) could have been one where we at one time lovers became best of friends (which truth be told was very much so on that path) but somewhere along the line, I think, no I know when he got a girlfriend, I had to change the direction of my life story where it was no longer we (he and I) but simply my story. I realized that I could not still be friends with him and still harbor feelings for him, which I’m pretty sure still linger. It’s like that Deborah Cox and RL song, you know, “We Cant Be Friends” literally.

Holy Matrimony: "I's Married Now!"

Pascale and (insert name) sitting in the tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, first comes love, then comes marriage and the baby carriage. It’s every girls (black or white) dream to fulfill this childhood song in their womanhood. However I urge you stop! While I can honestly blurt out "I's married now!" it isn’t to the obvious. Claiming that I's married now is recognizing that I've brought this holy matrimony before God and asked for his blessings, claiming that I's married now is to become comfortable with the idea that I must be submissive to my husband as he is the type who demands a lot of attention and will not have it any other way should this relationship work; and by God this relationship is going to work, divorce is not an option. You know what they say what woman will not keep her marital duties, another woman will...yeah well over my dead body! "Well who you's married to Pascale" you may ask. Well it’s not your ordinary being, well matter of fact, he isn’t human at all. I's married to my career! That’s right, my career!

Let me give you a brief history of how we came to be. He (my career, that is) sought me out throughout my four years of undergrad. Initially courting Medical School, he watched from the sidelines as I was oblivious to his existence.

A People's Dreams...

"Dreams dont let go of people, people let go of their dreams"

   -P. DELaSoul

You...I Call LifesGoods

All the others were reduced to derogatory names, mostly a**hole and some in an attempt to erase them from my past, whatshisface/ But you I choose to call LifesGoods...

 

 

I'll Settle for the Loose Change....

A girl’s values (well in this case a black girls values) lie in her appearance (from the tip of her hair to the nail polish color on her toes) and the man that she most likely refers to as “my boo”, “my n*gga”, or what have you. However when a female grows up from a girl to a woman, those values begin to change as their mindset elevates (in most cases anyway). As I’ve gotten older (and mind you I’m only 24) my values have changed dramatically since I was 22yo. The past two years the divine powers that be have seriously been doing some work on me and those changes reveal themselves to me each and everyday.

In the past two years I’ve discovered this new found joy of mine called running. Yes running! I believe that this love for running has always been within me (my mind back tracks to the time, when Ashley West, now a track runner, beat me in a relay race during our 6^th grade field day, after I had more than a lead on her); I’ve only recently learned how to exercise my love for it. Thus said, I run about 5.5miles anywhere from 5-6times a week, it’s literally my daily high. So as expected, running about 50miles per week one inevitable begins to shed some excess weight and bring sexy back; one’s clothes begin to hang and begin to form what I like to call “loose/spare change” in that area, you know the one that Kim Kardashian not only has men drooling over, but also women…yup the derrière. Yes, lately I’ve been having a little trouble in the area of my dress, everything literally just hangs; each and every last one of my work pants has to be safety pinned together, as a result of them literally falling from my waist line, it’s ridiculous I tell you…just pure madness. The simple solution would be to just go out and buy new clothes…right? Wrong! But what’s the point if I’m only expected to lose more weight as I have yet to figure out how to maintain my weight without giving up my daily high. This has been my thought process for some time now, especially after realizing brand new slacks not even two months old now must be clipped together by a safety pin (shaking my damn head).

What About the Children....

Lately there has been this constant factor pulling at my heart, an uncontrollable feeling that is sometimes overwhelming and creeps up on me unexpectedly. Each and every moment that this unexpected feeling arises with a flood of emotions I have to hold back the tears and breathe. Every time that I encounter their innocence not yet touched by the evils of the world my heart melts. That one aforementioned factor being our youth. On an am run to Publix, last Friday to pick up my Naked fruit smoothie, I caught sight of a mother's  three little boys engaged over a deep conversation about their toys as they sat all lined up in their green kiddie cart,  it was the most precious thing, I could not help but smile. That following Saturday, during my usual am run, my heart leaped at the sight of a little boy running side by side with whom I'd assume to be his father. But what got me was when little man could no longer keep up with his daddy, he stopped and put his little hands on his mohawk shaven head as to open his air ways and catch his breath as most runners frequently do.

Not quite sure at these random heart felt events if its my maternal instinct/ biological clock  that is signaling that I am ready to bear children, Ive learned to suppress those feeling for sometime now, acknowledging that I am no where near ready to begin to even think about having children of my own. Realizing that you literally have to give up your life as an individual and sacrifice your being for your seed I can honestly say that I am not yet ready to sacrifice my being for my unborn seed, which some may say is selfish. Life has too much to offer and I have too much to offer life to sacrifice myself solely for the needs of my own seed. 

Despite my biological clock's on-switch for me to start pro-creating and bring forth little mini mes and mini-hes (whoever he may be) I realize that there is also a need to make a difference in the lives of so many children who may have not been blessed with the same privileges that I've been blessed with. Watching an HBO documentary the other night about the lives of homeless children my heart was torn to pieces when one little boy was asked what did he have to look forward to in the future, he simply shrugged his shoulders and replied "I have nothing to look to forward to". At his words, tears welled up in my eyes and I cried as if these were word that fell from the lips of my own yet to be conceived child.

Secret Crush

It wasnt until I realized this morning that I dreamed of you last night that I acknowledged I had a crush on you/ Oblivious for some time to your compliments and the need to touch my kinky hair I realized that besides your intellect and your gift for words that I appreciated your ability to get high off of my natural beauty and quirky way/ but Im old fashioned and don’t believe a woman should approach a man/ so I guess this will remain simply a facebook status update…

He Asked Me If I Wanted to Love Again

To love or not to love, that is the question at hand. While love is a beautiful gift (and God knows that it is), it takes work notheless. WORK! Imagine waking up to the same person for 20yrs. OMG really? Im pretty sure there has to be moments throughout that relationship where its like "Damn this mofo again". Yet there are the other moments where its all peaches and cream literally. I think of my parents; one day you have Romeo and Juliette (with the nickname calling and all, theirs are Me and Chu) and the next you get George and Weezy Jefferson. With them its literally a revolving door you dont know which couple you'll get.

Personally Ive been in love before and am still trying to figure out if I'll ever be out of love (do we ever fall out of love?). A friend asked me the other day, if I ever wanted to be in love again. My reaction: huh? I didnt answer the question immediately, it took me a couple of days actually, but my answer was yes...just not now. Why not now he asked.

Currently on Hiatus....

I hope I come out with a testimony going through this test that I'am currently going through. Thus the songs and quotes posted for the time being are to offer a little bit of encouragement during the storm.

Many Blessings

In Each Tear...

"... there is a lesson to be learned, makes you wiser than before, makes you stronger than before. No mistake, no heartbreak can take away from what you're meant to be"

My Life Anthem "Giving It All I Got 'Til I Die"

Giving it all I got 'til I die/ I'm fighting to keep on living/ Nothing worth having in life is ever easy

Conversations at the Deli Part 1

Girl usually brings in her lunch to work in attempt to save money. However said girl for the past month has been going to Publix on her 30min lunch break purchasing veggie wraps or sandwiches and sometimes avocado and bread (it’s the Haitian in her). Randomly, while waiting in the deli line, girl turns and notices this 6’5, of nice build clearly evident through the soft gray suit he wore, chocolate skinned brother with neatly coiled locks behind her. Perplexed for minute, she failed to acknowledge that it was her turn in line to place her order. Giving her order and walking toward the check out line, she thought to herself she was attracted to this unknown man for all the wrong reasons and dismissed his face from her memory.

Two days after her initial encounter with him, she sees said brother at the Publix once again. This time they both make their way together towards the deli line. With 4 people ahead of them, unknown brother decides to strike up a casual conversation with said girl about nothing in particular; all the while making her laugh through their brief conversations. For the next two weeks said girl and said brother randomly meet each other in Publix, partaking in brief 15-20min conversations.

Preparing for her entrance exam to grad school, said girl goes to the nearby Bagel shop to study. On her third day of studying, the now known brother coincidently appears in the bagel shop. Lifting up her head he flashes his pearly white teeth at her and says good morning. Confused at their meeting yet again, she replies good morning and asks is he stalking her jokingly. Making his way toward her table with his bagel and kiwi juice in hand, he replies no and implies that is may be destiny. And this is where he asks for her number, girl says to herself sarcastically, prepared to turn him down.

To be continued...

I...AM...NOT...A...RACIST

If there is any thing that I could yell at the top of my lungs besides the fact that I am beautiful and the many I love yous to loved ones currently in my life is that I...AM...NOT...RACIST!!! I know that one should not care about what others think, however as it relates to this particular topic it is something that I struggle with. I am really sick and tired of the berating comments and looks that I receive when it comes to my beliefs about my love mocha, caramel, chocolate and in between African American brothers and sisters. Yes my love for my race runs deep and I wholeheartedly believe in black love and the advancement of my race; however that should not be interpreted to mean that the premise for my beliefs are ethnocentric.

Reminiscing on a past experience when I was once  called a racist to my face by a white male counterpart (at which I was not only upset but also offended). In response to his statement I wrote him a lengthy email about my views justifying my beliefs. In retrospect I really didn't have to justify anything to him and really don't have to now, but feel the need to rant! I've even had to justify my beliefs to my mother once in high school, yet again she thought that I possibly was lesbian/gay at my semtiments towards the lesbian/gay population after I watched MTVs Matthew Sheperd movie towards my later years in middle school. Yet I digress.

I think that is sad that some would go as far as to  refer to me as racist when much of what I advocate for is the preservation of the African American race. Yes I may even be a bit on the extreme side with my views, may even be prejudice or biased, but never a racist. First and foremost blacks cannot be racist; in order to be racist the oppressive party has to hold some type of power and last time that I checked we as whole lack any power. More importantly, it would take alot to knowingly in return treat our white counterparts as they did during the time of slavery. Thus said, no I am inapable of being racist. Pro-Black, YES, but racist NO.

To be continued....my thoughts aren't yet complete lol

Feelings of Discouragement...?

For those days when we feel down and discouraged, don't look to others for encouragement, but look within yourself for assurance; the god in you will persevere.

If only we realize....

“We are each other’s harvest; we are each other’s business; we are each other’s magnitude and bond.”



Gwendolyn Brooks

Love Letter to Brown Skin Sisters

Black girls don't run anymore/we wallow in their sins/attempting to evade our current realities/accepting of our gross idiosyncrasies/ we become accepting of societal statistics/ ultimately accepting out plight/ we've become victims to diabetes, hypertension, High blood pressure, and a plethora of other diseases yet we still fail to run...

Tomorrow I will be running in my first 5K run, a goal that I've set up for myself 2009. I am ecstatic!!! I'm an avid jogger/run and run anywhere between 6-5days a week about 3mi per day. During my runs its unusual that I see brown skin women running, its my white female counterparts that  I see. I guess you'd consider me the minority runner on my morning runs. Mulling over the question as to where the sisters are on my morning runs I thought to myself maybe they're in the gym afraid of sweating out their perms or trying to keep their light skin complexion. But I realized when I did have a membership at the local campus gym there were only a handful of brown skin sisters there also.

So where are you ladies??? (Cupping my hands to my mouth) "Where are you ladies?" I hope to God that its not the "new do" that is keeping us from staying fit, I would hate to buy into what some of my male counterparts agree to. All joking aside our community would so much much healthier if everyone participated in some type of  activity for 30mins at least 3-5times daily. Our unhealthy lifestyles is one thing that is ultimately within our control in a society that is said to keep our race from progressing, amongst the slew of other factors that are literally wiping out our community . Its time that we save our race/ community through physical fitness and good health.

So as I'm mentally preparing for my run tomorrow I hope that we seriously begin to think of our health. I don't have to and will not go into detail  about the overabundance of health related conditions in our community due to a lack of physical fitness. Do the research, the statics concerning the health of black women is appalling. During my run tomorrow in hopes of not coming in last my motivation and drive will be you, my sister and the beginnings to a better and healthier you.

Letters to Life

"There are times I miss it...you know being in a relationship...but when I really think about it I figure I can do without it for the time being and use that extra energy on my community and self improvement and growth!!!" were the words I posted on my facebook status a couple of days. 

The more into myself I get and the more I begin to fall in love myself over again the more I realize that I am ok with being single. It is not the end of the world! Life has too much to offer and there is too much to gain from life for me to worry about when it is prince charming will arrive, he'll arrive in due to time. My time of "singleness" (if you will), free of any responsibility to a man is dedicated to the lives of others that I am more than capable of helping through my many blessings. 

Untitled

(Not that he was a bad guy, we were unequally yolked, and I did not want to become Girl Melanie from The Game), always second in place, sometimes next to last lol)

I wrote a poem for you
Entitled it it gets Easier with time
But as we all know its a contradiction
Time has nothing to do with making it easier
So its incomplete

The other day I cried silent tears for you
After realizing what you told me
Validated that my time spent with you
Was nothing but a lie
I cried for allowing you
to have power over my emotions
And my being
For allowing you in
and breaking me down to
the very core
I cried because in spite of loving you
I forgot how to love myself
I cried because I was tired of
My constant state of confusion
And the emotional roller coaster ride I was still on

So the other day I wrote your name
on a piece paper...
And as I wrote the letters to your name
Memories of both joy and pain
Overwhelmed me, but the emotion of
Pain overtook that of the joy
As I bawled up your name
Neatly written on the blank piece paper
Along with "Confusion" written in parentheses
I felt this since of relief take hold, that of the joy
And came to realize if I never see your face again
Ill be fine
If I never speak to you again
I'll be fine
If I never hear from you again
I'll be fine

I've dated men who
Who provided me with more than you
Ever could possibly have to offer me
And sadly their only purpose was to show me
That there is better that awaits
Your better was never enough for me
Cause it was not meant for me but for her
"The girl that twirls" lol

As I made my way toward the small lit fire
The burning love that I once had for
Overtaking my own self love
Quickly dissipated
As I realized that we were never meant to be
And you were never worthy of my love
We were never a good match
Capricorns and Taurus' aren't a good match
So my friend tell me lol
But even more I prayed about it
And God whispered in my ear
That you were never worthy of my love
You never earned it
It was just handed to you freely

As I threw your name in the burning fire
Tears unexpectedly came to my eyes
But behind the tears I felt replenished
And I broke out into a smile

So long to what I once
Perceived as LifeGoods
Its been real lol
REAL

Why I Write to LifeGoods

I write to keep me sane its a sort of therapy that gets me through the day along with my silent prayers to God asking for healing. I write because YOU have become synonymous with the word SELFISH because the answers that I seek to attain the closure that I need you are unwilling to provide. I write because I can not openly discuss what it is that is tearing me apart with you because it will only turn into a one sided conversation with me spilling everything I hold within me onto the table only to have you remain silent. I write because this is the only way I can move forward....

Seeking Closure: Part I

      "She felt Angel slipping away, and with him a number of years of he life. If someone has performed the entire time they were with you what, indeed was the quality of your life together? Who was she with? Had she been alone?She often felt alone, as if Angel disappeared behind his eyes or withdrew himself from his own arms and fingers. His own face and smile.
        The years together were not wasted, though, she thought hanging up the phone. Her heart had been broken many times by his vacantness, his inability to be there, literally, when she needed him. Eventually, of course it had taught her to rely on fantasies. Fantasies of other lovers who wouldn't disappear, who would be there for her. It was at the end of her ability to create more fantasies into which to hide the impoverished nature of their relationship that she discovered how alone and lonely she felt, and woke up."
                                                           Excerpt from Alice Walker The River, from The Only Way Forward Is With a Broken Heart

Realizing that loving will you will only continue to hurt me I've decided that in the upcoming months I will begin to slowly ween my heart off of you and slowing begin to cut you out of my life. Where there was once love for you remains a great deal of pain that has become unbearable to carry any longer. Loving you has become a  cross that I have bore since we broke up, a cross that I honestly no longer want to carry any more. Everyday in my journey becomes more so of a challenge to keep from becoming tainted and jaded at the thought of you and what you put me through and continue to put me through. Seeking closure that Im not sure I'll ever get I realize that the only way to move forward is with my broken heart and banish you from my memories.

Happily Ever After...Maybe (For My Parents and Year 24)

I dreamed of home last night...but not of my present day home. I dreamed of days in my home in Miami years ago when I was still untouched by the world, not yet deprived of the innocence that described the days of my brothers and I. I dreamed of my 5yr old self and how I wanted it all and what all consisted of was my 5yr old version of the Cosby Show...a happy family and two loving parents, and to be honest we weren't too far from that. My 5yr old self made it my duty to make sure that my parents only had eyes for each other...so much so that at parties often held at my grandmothers home on NW 62nd Street in little Haiti, I'd become livid at the sight of my parents dancing with anyone else but each other...I'd become hysterical, crying and getting in between my mother and whatever random Haitian man she was dancing with while tugging at her hand and leading her to my father so that they could dance the night away...and I do mean the whole night. These were the thoughts that ran through my 5yr old head...I wanted my parents to be happy with each other.

For You I Write

You inspire me...

I once wrote because I was in love
With the idea of love and what
Love songs proclaimed it to be

I wrote because you inspired me
Yes, you inspired me
At our meeting you became a sweet melody
A tune that literally brought me to my knees
One that I thought would never end

I wrote because you became my lazy Saturday morning
Sun shining through your bed room window
Illuminating you soft brown skin
And the serene look on your face
As you peacefully slept, arousing me
Not wanting to wake you,
I settle for a kiss on your forehead
And laid in your arms awake
Savoring the moment afraid that weren't many left
I wrote because I loved you
Not knowing at the time
We were unequally yoked

I write because
Im still in love you,
Despite there no longer being Saturday mornings
Waking up in the comfort in your arms
I write because I've finally come to grips
With the fact the you loved her all along
I write because words that once from fell from your lips
Onto my ears, were never meant for me
But intended for her ears
I write because Im trying to make sense of it all....
I write because I trying to get over you
And overwhelming feelings I've buried within my depths
I write because I fell in love with you
And am still in love with you, though you remain oblivious
I write because Im still holding onto hope of what we could have been
I write because I love you

(I dont think you'll ever comprehend how much I love you)

You Still Bring Me to Tears

As the tears begin to form and flow freely I continue to convince myself that I am alone but never lonely...the words becoming a mantra to get me through the day....

Instead of completing my Saturday morning chores I instead perused on facebook reading the status of friends whats going in their lives...but not before I checked your profile, as I do daily, its become some what of a habit, Im afraid I might be stalking you somewhat, but it is public information...right lol. It has now been approximately 428 since we officially broke up or since you officially told me in so many words that you were no longer in love me with but like a fool I am still pining over you. Not a day goes by without something, from the smell of some random persons cologne to an identical gold/bronze Izuzu Rodeo on the road to the picture that I recently put back up, that I am not reminded of you. Some days I feel fine and others feel like the night of 12.27.2008 when you uttered that you didn't see a future in our relationship...Today feels like that night.