Twenty Something Life Lessons...I Think

Life is never as kind as we all wish or hope that it is, even more love is not as kind as the love songs proclaim it to be. To combat life and love I pray, meditate and run to keep my boat afloat.

My last relationship was my first real love and all that jazz, no seriously it was as nonchalant as I may sound about it. However despite the good and bad, not talking to my ex for give or take 2-3mos, I’ve made many self discoveries about myself that, I probably would not have made should I have remained “friends” with him, as bad as I wanted to. Our (or more so his and I story) could have been one where we at one time lovers became best of friends (which truth be told was very much so on that path) but somewhere along the line, I think, no I know when he got a girlfriend, I had to change the direction of my life story where it was no longer we (he and I) but simply my story. I realized that I could not still be friends with him and still harbor feelings for him, which I’m pretty sure still linger. It’s like that Deborah Cox and RL song, you know, “We Cant Be Friends” literally.

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(Not that he was a bad guy, we were unequally yolked, and I did not want to become Girl Melanie from The Game), always second in place, sometimes next to last lol)

I wrote a poem for you
Entitled it it gets Easier with time
But as we all know its a contradiction
Time has nothing to do with making it easier
So its incomplete

The other day I cried silent tears for you
After realizing what you told me
Validated that my time spent with you
Was nothing but a lie
I cried for allowing you
to have power over my emotions
And my being
For allowing you in
and breaking me down to
the very core
I cried because in spite of loving you
I forgot how to love myself
I cried because I was tired of
My constant state of confusion
And the emotional roller coaster ride I was still on

So the other day I wrote your name
on a piece paper...
And as I wrote the letters to your name
Memories of both joy and pain
Overwhelmed me, but the emotion of
Pain overtook that of the joy
As I bawled up your name
Neatly written on the blank piece paper
Along with "Confusion" written in parentheses
I felt this since of relief take hold, that of the joy
And came to realize if I never see your face again
Ill be fine
If I never speak to you again
I'll be fine
If I never hear from you again
I'll be fine

I've dated men who
Who provided me with more than you
Ever could possibly have to offer me
And sadly their only purpose was to show me
That there is better that awaits
Your better was never enough for me
Cause it was not meant for me but for her
"The girl that twirls" lol

As I made my way toward the small lit fire
The burning love that I once had for
Overtaking my own self love
Quickly dissipated
As I realized that we were never meant to be
And you were never worthy of my love
We were never a good match
Capricorns and Taurus' aren't a good match
So my friend tell me lol
But even more I prayed about it
And God whispered in my ear
That you were never worthy of my love
You never earned it
It was just handed to you freely

As I threw your name in the burning fire
Tears unexpectedly came to my eyes
But behind the tears I felt replenished
And I broke out into a smile

So long to what I once
Perceived as LifeGoods
Its been real lol
REAL

Why I Write to LifeGoods

I write to keep me sane its a sort of therapy that gets me through the day along with my silent prayers to God asking for healing. I write because YOU have become synonymous with the word SELFISH because the answers that I seek to attain the closure that I need you are unwilling to provide. I write because I can not openly discuss what it is that is tearing me apart with you because it will only turn into a one sided conversation with me spilling everything I hold within me onto the table only to have you remain silent. I write because this is the only way I can move forward....

Seeking Closure: Part I

      "She felt Angel slipping away, and with him a number of years of he life. If someone has performed the entire time they were with you what, indeed was the quality of your life together? Who was she with? Had she been alone?She often felt alone, as if Angel disappeared behind his eyes or withdrew himself from his own arms and fingers. His own face and smile.
        The years together were not wasted, though, she thought hanging up the phone. Her heart had been broken many times by his vacantness, his inability to be there, literally, when she needed him. Eventually, of course it had taught her to rely on fantasies. Fantasies of other lovers who wouldn't disappear, who would be there for her. It was at the end of her ability to create more fantasies into which to hide the impoverished nature of their relationship that she discovered how alone and lonely she felt, and woke up."
                                                           Excerpt from Alice Walker The River, from The Only Way Forward Is With a Broken Heart

Realizing that loving will you will only continue to hurt me I've decided that in the upcoming months I will begin to slowly ween my heart off of you and slowing begin to cut you out of my life. Where there was once love for you remains a great deal of pain that has become unbearable to carry any longer. Loving you has become a  cross that I have bore since we broke up, a cross that I honestly no longer want to carry any more. Everyday in my journey becomes more so of a challenge to keep from becoming tainted and jaded at the thought of you and what you put me through and continue to put me through. Seeking closure that Im not sure I'll ever get I realize that the only way to move forward is with my broken heart and banish you from my memories.

You Still Bring Me to Tears

As the tears begin to form and flow freely I continue to convince myself that I am alone but never lonely...the words becoming a mantra to get me through the day....

Instead of completing my Saturday morning chores I instead perused on facebook reading the status of friends whats going in their lives...but not before I checked your profile, as I do daily, its become some what of a habit, Im afraid I might be stalking you somewhat, but it is public information...right lol. It has now been approximately 428 since we officially broke up or since you officially told me in so many words that you were no longer in love me with but like a fool I am still pining over you. Not a day goes by without something, from the smell of some random persons cologne to an identical gold/bronze Izuzu Rodeo on the road to the picture that I recently put back up, that I am not reminded of you. Some days I feel fine and others feel like the night of 12.27.2008 when you uttered that you didn't see a future in our relationship...Today feels like that night.