Why I Write to LifeGoods

I write to keep me sane its a sort of therapy that gets me through the day along with my silent prayers to God asking for healing. I write because YOU have become synonymous with the word SELFISH because the answers that I seek to attain the closure that I need you are unwilling to provide. I write because I can not openly discuss what it is that is tearing me apart with you because it will only turn into a one sided conversation with me spilling everything I hold within me onto the table only to have you remain silent. I write because this is the only way I can move forward....

Seeking Closure: Part I

      "She felt Angel slipping away, and with him a number of years of he life. If someone has performed the entire time they were with you what, indeed was the quality of your life together? Who was she with? Had she been alone?She often felt alone, as if Angel disappeared behind his eyes or withdrew himself from his own arms and fingers. His own face and smile.
        The years together were not wasted, though, she thought hanging up the phone. Her heart had been broken many times by his vacantness, his inability to be there, literally, when she needed him. Eventually, of course it had taught her to rely on fantasies. Fantasies of other lovers who wouldn't disappear, who would be there for her. It was at the end of her ability to create more fantasies into which to hide the impoverished nature of their relationship that she discovered how alone and lonely she felt, and woke up."
                                                           Excerpt from Alice Walker The River, from The Only Way Forward Is With a Broken Heart

Realizing that loving will you will only continue to hurt me I've decided that in the upcoming months I will begin to slowly ween my heart off of you and slowing begin to cut you out of my life. Where there was once love for you remains a great deal of pain that has become unbearable to carry any longer. Loving you has become a  cross that I have bore since we broke up, a cross that I honestly no longer want to carry any more. Everyday in my journey becomes more so of a challenge to keep from becoming tainted and jaded at the thought of you and what you put me through and continue to put me through. Seeking closure that Im not sure I'll ever get I realize that the only way to move forward is with my broken heart and banish you from my memories.

Happily Ever After...Maybe (For My Parents and Year 24)

I dreamed of home last night...but not of my present day home. I dreamed of days in my home in Miami years ago when I was still untouched by the world, not yet deprived of the innocence that described the days of my brothers and I. I dreamed of my 5yr old self and how I wanted it all and what all consisted of was my 5yr old version of the Cosby Show...a happy family and two loving parents, and to be honest we weren't too far from that. My 5yr old self made it my duty to make sure that my parents only had eyes for each other...so much so that at parties often held at my grandmothers home on NW 62nd Street in little Haiti, I'd become livid at the sight of my parents dancing with anyone else but each other...I'd become hysterical, crying and getting in between my mother and whatever random Haitian man she was dancing with while tugging at her hand and leading her to my father so that they could dance the night away...and I do mean the whole night. These were the thoughts that ran through my 5yr old head...I wanted my parents to be happy with each other.

For You I Write

You inspire me...

I once wrote because I was in love
With the idea of love and what
Love songs proclaimed it to be

I wrote because you inspired me
Yes, you inspired me
At our meeting you became a sweet melody
A tune that literally brought me to my knees
One that I thought would never end

I wrote because you became my lazy Saturday morning
Sun shining through your bed room window
Illuminating you soft brown skin
And the serene look on your face
As you peacefully slept, arousing me
Not wanting to wake you,
I settle for a kiss on your forehead
And laid in your arms awake
Savoring the moment afraid that weren't many left
I wrote because I loved you
Not knowing at the time
We were unequally yoked

I write because
Im still in love you,
Despite there no longer being Saturday mornings
Waking up in the comfort in your arms
I write because I've finally come to grips
With the fact the you loved her all along
I write because words that once from fell from your lips
Onto my ears, were never meant for me
But intended for her ears
I write because Im trying to make sense of it all....
I write because I trying to get over you
And overwhelming feelings I've buried within my depths
I write because I fell in love with you
And am still in love with you, though you remain oblivious
I write because Im still holding onto hope of what we could have been
I write because I love you

(I dont think you'll ever comprehend how much I love you)

You Still Bring Me to Tears

As the tears begin to form and flow freely I continue to convince myself that I am alone but never lonely...the words becoming a mantra to get me through the day....

Instead of completing my Saturday morning chores I instead perused on facebook reading the status of friends whats going in their lives...but not before I checked your profile, as I do daily, its become some what of a habit, Im afraid I might be stalking you somewhat, but it is public information...right lol. It has now been approximately 428 since we officially broke up or since you officially told me in so many words that you were no longer in love me with but like a fool I am still pining over you. Not a day goes by without something, from the smell of some random persons cologne to an identical gold/bronze Izuzu Rodeo on the road to the picture that I recently put back up, that I am not reminded of you. Some days I feel fine and others feel like the night of 12.27.2008 when you uttered that you didn't see a future in our relationship...Today feels like that night.