You Still Bring Me to Tears

As the tears begin to form and flow freely I continue to convince myself that I am alone but never lonely...the words becoming a mantra to get me through the day....

Instead of completing my Saturday morning chores I instead perused on facebook reading the status of friends whats going in their lives...but not before I checked your profile, as I do daily, its become some what of a habit, Im afraid I might be stalking you somewhat, but it is public information...right lol. It has now been approximately 428 since we officially broke up or since you officially told me in so many words that you were no longer in love me with but like a fool I am still pining over you. Not a day goes by without something, from the smell of some random persons cologne to an identical gold/bronze Izuzu Rodeo on the road to the picture that I recently put back up, that I am not reminded of you. Some days I feel fine and others feel like the night of 12.27.2008 when you uttered that you didn't see a future in our relationship...Today feels like that night. 

A week ago today you disclosed to me that you never ended the chapter written by yourself and your ex-girlfriend.You said that in the back of your mind your always wondered what it would be like should you two had given a second chance. Not intending to hurt me, as we are just friends you disclosed me to me that after sometime of us breaking up you and her explored the possibilities of what a future between you guys would entail, you even disclosed to me that you guys even shared a kiss. You disclosed this to me ignorant to harbored feeling that I still have for you. Listening intently while trying to disguise my emotions, you continued with you story. You went on to recount how seemingly good everything was going between you two, until one day she suddenly disappeared, failing to return any your phone calls. You explained to me how you became upset at her actions. Still listening intently and disguising my feelings you continued and recounted after so many days or weeks she reappeared like magic and explained to you that she was in fact pregnant for someone else. At this point in your story I was not aware if the pain within my chest was more so for my feelings for you or the pain that you experienced the moment those words fell upon your ears. You revealed  to me that it did  not sit right with you that you'd have to possible share her space with another and how it would have been unfair to you in so many words. With random mmm-hmms throughout your story to acknowledge that I was in fact listening while looking out the window as the car speed along on the turn pike, you asked what was my take on the story. So many words and phrases came to mind, such as "do you not see whats in front of you, love is staring you i the face yet your oblivious it, Im more worthy of your love than she'll ever be, why do you keep returning to someone who repeatedly hurts you..." but this simple phrase freely came from my lips..."Life is funny...". I wanted to ask you so many questions after the recount of your story, such as "did you ever wholeheartedly love me" or "why did you ask me to be your girlfriend in the very first place, I didnt ask for this"; I wanted to yell and scream at you for bringing me into your confusion for breaking me heart...Only to ask you about 30 to 45 minutes after telling you story "Why did you bring me into you confusion when you still harbored feelings?" Reluctant to go back to your 30 to 45min old story you replied "Its not that black and white..." not going into detail leaving me to mull over my thoughts.

I stumbled upon her profile today, remembering her name. Though her profile was private, I knew it was her, she had pictures of her son posted, and to solidify that it was indeed her she and I had three mutual friends, yourself and two of our other mutual friends. Looking at her pics I unexpectedly began to cry and was overwhelmed with emotions. Trying to control my gasps for air as the tears flowed freely and I finding it hard to breathe I turned to my clean clothes for solace focusing intently on getting my freshly washed clothing into the dryer only to find that my tears would not subside. I cried today as if  it were the night that you told me that you no longer wanted to be with me...