"She felt Angel slipping away, and with him a number of years of he life. If someone has performed the entire time they were with you what, indeed was the quality of your life together? Who was she with? Had she been alone?She often felt alone, as if Angel disappeared behind his eyes or withdrew himself from his own arms and fingers. His own face and smile.
The years together were not wasted, though, she thought hanging up the phone. Her heart had been broken many times by his vacantness, his inability to be there, literally, when she needed him. Eventually, of course it had taught her to rely on fantasies. Fantasies of other lovers who wouldn't disappear, who would be there for her. It was at the end of her ability to create more fantasies into which to hide the impoverished nature of their relationship that she discovered how alone and lonely she felt, and woke up."
Excerpt from Alice Walker The River, from The Only Way Forward Is With a Broken Heart
Realizing that loving will you will only continue to hurt me I've decided that in the upcoming months I will begin to slowly ween my heart off of you and slowing begin to cut you out of my life. Where there was once love for you remains a great deal of pain that has become unbearable to carry any longer. Loving you has become a cross that I have bore since we broke up, a cross that I honestly no longer want to carry any more. Everyday in my journey becomes more so of a challenge to keep from becoming tainted and jaded at the thought of you and what you put me through and continue to put me through. Seeking closure that Im not sure I'll ever get I realize that the only way to move forward is with my broken heart and banish you from my memories.
Our so called friendship is anything but that. I remember a couple of days after you broke up with me you asked me if we could remain friends because it felt as if you were losing a part of yourself. We were best friends while we were together but something happened during the time that you were in Miami, reflecting on it now, I became more of an obligation that you didn't know how to get rid of. Sometimes I wonder if you started to explore the "future and what could possibly be" between you and your ex while we were together. I can only wonder because according to you "its not that black and white" and you fail to really ever give me any answers.
I no longer look at you in the eye any more because wearing my heart on my sleeve for so long I'm afraid that you'll realize there is more to this called "friendship" buried within me. Afraid that you'll become aware of how I honestly feel for you I avoid your touch, because emotions are bound to seep from my pours into yours,making you aware of my feelings. I hold everything inside afraid that you'll only take my feelings for granted as you once did. Realizing that love hurts, I no longer want to love you or be in love with you anymore, but my heart seeks its own path ignoring what it is that I tell it do..only if it'd listen.
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