Life is never as kind as we all wish or hope that it is, even more love is not as kind as the love songs proclaim it to be. To combat life and love I pray, meditate and run to keep my boat afloat.
My last relationship was my first real love and all that jazz, no seriously it was as nonchalant as I may sound about it. However despite the good and bad, not talking to my ex for give or take 2-3mos, I’ve made many self discoveries about myself that, I probably would not have made should I have remained “friends” with him, as bad as I wanted to. Our (or more so his and I story) could have been one where we at one time lovers became best of friends (which truth be told was very much so on that path) but somewhere along the line, I think, no I know when he got a girlfriend, I had to change the direction of my life story where it was no longer we (he and I) but simply my story. I realized that I could not still be friends with him and still harbor feelings for him, which I’m pretty sure still linger. It’s like that Deborah Cox and RL song, you know, “We Cant Be Friends” literally.
Throughout the time that we were together I honestly thought that this was the man I wanted to marry, but we all know that it’s the man in the relationship who ideally chooses his wife. In retrospect, now that I am forced to look at the situation now that I am no longer in it, it wouldn’t have worked out. He wanted someone who was docile, supportive and motherly, which to a degree I am, but I found that throughout the course of our relationship I allowed him to mold me into who he wanted me to be, which I take full responsibility for. I don’t think he ever saw the real me, he saw bits and pieces but more so trying to please him, he never saw the real me. I lost myself in him and my spirit inevitably was broken. So now that my spirit has been healed, the pieces are now whole, and I’ve made these revelations why is that my heart is still beats for my ex? I’ve dated, well one other guy, who treated me exceptionally well but in the back of my mind my ex still lingered. Being really transparent right now, why is it that I still hold feelings for a man, who clearly stated that he no longer wanted to be with me (but at the time of our breakup, stated he felt like he was losing his best friend—which I don’t get ‘til this day, unless he was just keeping up with the good guy complex that my friends and I have diagnosed him with)? All these questions that I have give or take a year and a half later since our break up are why I can not be in the same room with him let alone the same vicinity…I just get overwhelmed with emotions, which I by myself have to deal with at the end of the day. If anyone knows me, I like to have control of my emotions and if I can’t control these emotions I rather not deal with them, truth be told. In the back of my head I sometimes rationalize that when he and I individually find out what we want in life, who knows maybe we may cross paths again, yet as we all know that’s the Divine Spirit’s call, it’s completely out of my control.
All in all, as a means to control my emotions, I simply rather not have him in the picture at all for the time being, primarily for my benefit and also out of respect for his current relationship. But in the back of my head, I wonder if the saying, “if you love someone you must let them go and if they come back that’s how you know for sure that they’re for you” holds any truth…
Awesome!!
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